one way ticket

Thursday, March 23, 2006

my grandpa...my great grandpa who almost made it to 90 years on this earth....deticating 65 years to be with my gorgeous great grandma...who i can only remember in little glimpses...is waiting to die.
i hate that i cant be there. i cant be there for my mom who is struggling with everything. i cant be there to say good bye to him or anyone else. its not fair that i dont get to say goodbye. it fucking sucks that i havent seen him since i was like 5. i hate it so much. i do. because its not fair. he came from holland you know? thats really cool.
ugh. he cant DIE. he cant be gone. he cant leave. because if he leaves then everyone else might start leaving and i dont get to say goodbye to my family. i dont get to and it sucks so much. i may have not seen them in a long time and i can barely remember them...and that sucks...i should know them. its so fucked up. its so fucked up. if something were to happen to mom. or to graham. and the last time i saw them...i was still so little i dont know what i wil do. i would probably shrink and never want to live my life because its not fair. i hate it. its not logical that someone cant even go see their grandpa to say goodbye just because your mom and dad had a fucked up divorce and now they dont want to deal with anything. mom means well...but dad sees through her sometimes and i hate that because i think that she has good in her...she just doesnt make the greatest choices and shes stuck to live through that but why should i? my brother is 19 almost. i dont get to see him. i dont get to see him walk at graduation. i dont get to see how well he really has done and it sucks so bad.i hate it.
grandpa vandergang cant leave. hes one of the few things i remember about that life. and he cant leave or else i will have less and less to hold onto.
fuck.
brittany @ 10:46 AM

Thursday, December 15, 2005

you scare me and you know it. and you cant help it and i cant help you and the only thing i want to do
is call him
because he scares me more and is so addicting
i love his every limb
and he always leaves me
and even though i know he will be back i am still left shattered more than before
i let him feel through me like im someone else that i dont even know
and then i feel like a whore
but i still love you
and i hate watching you slowing fall to nothing
and i feel like in the end i will be the one holding everything in my red hands
knowing that i gave up on you and that these pieces are meant for feeling
and that i should always keep you with me
and how i could not help no matter how much i wanted to
everything i try to help seems to break me apart because i am so busy keeping everything together
i am here for you
but i cant be there for you when there is nothing left of me
and thats how i am feeling
like im stuck deep and im falling faster and faster
and no one seems to notice my sinking life
or hear my pathetic cries
i need my soul back
but i gave most of the spirit away foolishly
he has most of it and i handed it to him so careless
thinking that he would see it as precious as i he is
but all i feel now
is how cold i always am
cold like the deep darkness that wont fade away
freezing like that night in the car
where everything felt wrong and scary and new
i dont know anymore
everything is changing so fast and my running cant keep up
i know know what to do
brittany @ 8:49 PM

Saturday, December 10, 2005

i dont want to be that girl
and i always say how im going to stop being that girl
but i know that if my parents werent home
that i would still be that girl
the girl that you call when you are bored and horny and have nothing better to do and you need someone to be with and then since i am nice to look at and sometimes i give you what you want, im one of the first numbers you call.
also because im just easy
i dont ask you for anything anymore because i dont expect anything from you anymore
i cant expect anything because then maybe i will make you feel horrible and then you will go away and then i wont have you as an escape. and without you then i really will be alone. without knowing that somehow you are going to call me or text me because im not worth that call, that might mean that you had to make an effort, i dont know. and i want to be with anyone else. anyone that would give me that same fucking feeling that you give me. that same shaky sick excited feeling. but then you also give me that kicked dog feeling and somehow im addicted to you. i am. so much. and sometimes i feel like i need you to feel good about myself.
i dress nice and i always think, maybe this outfit will get you to actually date me.
bullshit.
i know thats not going to happen. but i still wish and hope for it. and somehow i feel like we are going to hook up this break too because i am weak and you are lame and its how we work. i let you do this to me. to drive me crazy and make me feel worthless and gorgeous and sexy and like maybe you think of me and you are like damn. or that you see me at school and you are like shes awesome. shes so happy and cool and nice. oh boy. but then i also think that maybe you think less of me because im not that hard to get. i am not a challenge. im not a girl that you are going to bring home to meet mommy and daddy. but whatever. fuck that. whatever.
im that girl.
im that girl that lets boys use her because she needs that love because her daddy didnt love her enough. of whatever. my dad pushes me away and i guess thats attached to me wanting some boy to want me. shit. whatever.
brittany @ 8:41 PM

Saturday, December 03, 2005

you are gorgeous. you really are. i might be in denial about you but i know deep down that you would take care of me. you would meet my dad and step mom and they would think you are a cook guy and i would meet your mom and dad and i dont know what they would think of me. and then all our friends will sigh because they knew it was coming and we will be happy and i will have you and you will have me and it will all be nice and then when it isnt so nice we might break up but as long as i dont hurt you and you dont hurt me then we can be friends afterwards and then maybe later on i will find someone else and you will find someone else but then i can at least look back on highschool and not cry because of how stupid i am and how i wasted so much of myself. at least i can see you and remember that you are the one thing that i didnt do wrong. and that you cared about me and i cared back. maybe in time you will help me forget matt but i dont want to disappoint you. i dont want to tell you all that i have done and have you ashamed. i dont want you to look down on me and think that im so not good enough for you. i dont take AP classes. sometimes i dont even care about school. i dont get along with people sometimes. i dont have one intrest that i just love and have done forever like you do. i tried everything and once i started to fail i lost it. i want to be good enough for you. i dont want to scare you away or treat you badly or push you away and play these games i play just to see how loyal you are. its not fair to you. i dont know what i want anymore.i just know that sometimes i look at you and i can feel its nice to be with you. its nice to be seen with you because you are such a great guy. you are such a wonderful sweet guy that just tries. you will be something. i want you so bad but then sometimes i dont and i get this weird feeling like everything is telling me to risk it and stop being afraid but its easier tobe with kel and jordan and matt and seanpaul because i along with everyone else knows how it will end. but with you i dont know. i dont know anything anymore and it sucks. so bad. please stay. please hold me close. please be there.
brittany @ 7:09 PM

Friday, November 25, 2005

its frustrating. everything falling apart and lately i dont really even care. i just want it to happen already so that i can move on and get my new start. im so close to telling my dad to just find a house somewhere else where i can switch schools and i dont have to deal with this shit anymore. its really just stupid. the only people i care about are the ones that i am probably hurting the most. like im so close to just going towards tim just because then i will have someone but thats such a horrible thing.
brittany @ 5:47 PM

Friday, November 11, 2005

im bringing back my blog because i can and because i end up typing out so much stuff that no one should ever have to read.
my last post kind of brings me to this one. may.
in may i had a hope with matt. i had a nice hope. i ruined it.
he messed with me and i let him and now hes going to winterball with that one girl ashley and that sucks but oh well. maybe after time we can be chill like maybe graduation but i doubt that. its hard not thinking about him. but i dont think i really like him i just like how he looks and how he looked at me and all that nonsense. i just wish i didnt want him anymore. it would make the whole him not wanting me soooo much easier.
what a sad story i have.
and tim. sigh. hes a nice guy. but. i cant in any way possible find him in that same way he likes me. i hate it because he has a great personality and doesnt care what other people think because he has his own world and thats good enough for him.
and shannon and carlos and ryley. i am the queen of the cool nice JUST FRIENDS. thats what i get. i get all the guys that girls only want to be friends with. but i dont need a guy. i dont need one. i need school. i have never been able to balance the two. i mess up everything anyway.
i want to go to college. i want to have a future. i might even start going to church because its nice. its nice to have something in common with so many people. maybe i will talk to my dad and see if he can start going too. that would be nice to be one of those families that goes to church. i dont know. i just wnat something to believe in. i want to find god and not be scared and not be alone anymore. people who have faith are so much more at peace with themselves. i want to be at peace.
i dont want to go to winterball. i dont want to see matt with a date. i dont want to go with people that arent getting along. i also dont want kristen to have volleyball because that means she will be gone. she will be back into that world and i dont fit in that world and it sucks. but it will give her something again and i guess thats good. volleyball is who she is and thats good that at least she knows who she is. i wish i knew. i keep thinking about dancing again. it sounds so much more fun and i wish i could have it but i dont know how to get back in. maybe i will figure it out this summer.
-britt
brittany @ 10:37 PM

Sunday, May 22, 2005

oh man
i had a fucking GREAT night.
cept now im grounded.
cept im fighting with a friend
cept all my friends think im a whore
cept only kristen doesnt think i am
cept i just might be one but only one person knows this and it wont get around
cept if it does then...whatever
cept i think i have lost threefriends now
cept they dont even matter because they cant keep secrets anyways
cept i dont even care
because i had sooo much fun last night getting in trouble and jumping fences and swimming and stuff...
because i had to walk home in 20 minutes even tho i was and hour away from where the 20 minute walk even starts
because i bulshitted my dad soo bad and he knows it and so do i but he cant do anything because my friends are fucking awesome...well at least the friends i have left....
i want to do it all again...starting with the call from sharon and the bunny in the street and the boy at the basketball courts....
brittany @ 8:36 AM

Monday, May 16, 2005

our last chance to be best friends

-brittney got 15 roses from ross because he felt bad that her birthday was bad and that he wasnt there to make it better because he didnt know who she was in january and that he would love her now
-tanya asked james out because he was being a loser and wouldnt ask her and he said yes...which means tanya will be wearing the pants in the relationship and that james will be around WAY more often which sucks because...ugh james is a pain in the ass that i want to kick in the balls most of the time
-kristen is now over david (who she swore she LOVED just two days ago) and now is friends with benifits with nice football/basketball scott who is majorly nice but was suppose to be MY play boy...but she changed her mind....
-ivana is committed to homework
-jackie is in love with angel the guy from puerto rico..angel....who is really gorgeous but puts like a bottle of cologne on everyday and who slurs everything he says since he only knows slag words on english and speaks slurred spanish....somehow she finds this sexy?
-you know what i get?
....i get dumped andy calling me....singing depressing songs and whining about how hes a nice guy and after 8 months having alyssa dump him is a bitch thing to do and hes sad.....
.....i get tj talking to me while hes drunk with craig..inviting me to the mall...because craigs mom would give me a ride...like i want to spend three hours with drunk skaters.....
......i get a senior who doesnt want to admit that he cant get anything else and that he DOES want me or else he wouldnt be bothering me at 1 in the morning......
......i get coltons brother dallas giving me his number so i can make colton not gay.....
......i get philip smiling at me everyday...making me giggle until i cant anymore because its retarded and a waste of time because hes GRADUATING.....
.....i get mark talking about science because we dont have anything else to talk to but im fine because i want a nice guy like mark and i dont care if i have to spend an entire period talking about the one class im doomed to fail......
.....and i get calls on the day i want to take off from everyone else...reminding me that i have NOTHING......
-im bitter and sad and lonely and i dont want to be sad because i refuse it because i only have three weeks until sean and ivana are gone forever and until everything is that same...summer changes EVERYTHING
brittany @ 12:26 PM

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

what the fuck is that suppose to be?

blah. i havent really posted anything lately and thats because of my new love for stupid myspaces. i like them because they make me feel loved when i go on a comment spree and get tons of comments and i look like a comment whore but its nice. how pathetic.
*kristen got dumped by david...shes paranoid that he loves me and is going to start calling me up...haha....but she ran around like a freak....like afterschool when travis yelled out...haha you are going out with david and she replies with...haha did you hear he DUMPED me and then she screamed and i had to get her away from travis and chris and sean
*sean is having safe sex with some gothic girl
*alika is taking seans condom back to have safe sex with his girlfriend who i avoid because she could eat me
*for some reason i get all these details
*kristen and i are the girls who hang out with the ghetto black guys and markees thinks i know anything about rap...silly him
*mark is my new silly crush- a not stoner skater? can it be possible?
*philip is my new sillier crush and he walks past me and then turns around and points at me to some girl he is always walking with...aww i love him...i hope hes not gay
*mr sato thinks alika has ruined me and that i did something bad to make him and kellet talk to me instead of me being the good writing nerd with no friends who i was at the beginning of the year
*i hate HIM he was on the morning tv thing and i HATE him and it made me hate the day and want to find HIM and scream at him and make sure everyone knows what a jerk he really is because hes not that good student...volunteers for everything...school spirit guy...hes a jerk who uses people....HATE HATE HATE HATE him. he doesnt deserve it
* brit found her soulmate and perfect linkin park freak to date and hes actually a cool guy and gave me a french fry because i rule the world...or at least most 9th graders....haha.
*kristens dad thinks im trouble...uncle larry is my favorite silly guy who has mood swings like a pregnant woman...
and....i dont know. i dont have much going on....its really ntohing new. its just what has been messing me up. i need to get my shit together so i pass 9th grade damnit
brittany @ 6:37 PM

Saturday, May 07, 2005

i need to get over myself.
i mean i kind of have a right to be mad.
krsiten and i made a pact to not date david because we both wanted to be all three friends.
but he didnt know that.
so i cant be mad at him and i cant be mad at her because she really likes him and shes lonely and she wants a boyfriend and david would be cool.
but im still way jealous.
and i dont even like david in that way because hes david and sure hes cute and hes way nice and he says everything so cheesy but it always gets to me but i dont think i could ever date him.
thats why i liked the idea of being cool friends.
but now im just the third wheel
and i hate the fact that i cant have him but i could if i wanted to work at it but maybe he just wants krsiten. and i hate not being able to have something and watch kristen have it.
cept they wont go out. they will just hook up and use me as an alabi and i will be there and be lonely and feel worthless because all guys see me as is an east hookup. thats all floyd thought when i asked him to the movies. then he brought matt into it and matt it way cute and i would totally do it but matt is also a jerk and old friend of ivanas and its just too messy. and since my last mistake...who is calling me again....i vowed never to go for a jerk because one day i believe i will fall for a nice guy and the jerks will be gone forever.
cept
thats not going to happen.
im easy hookup or second choice for a girlfriend.
im really not that easy. i mean im easy to please but im not going to give it all away for just a few nice words.
or will i?
brittany @ 10:37 PM

all me

Blog Owner: brittany
Gender: female
Date of Birth: june 30 1990
Like: myself, California, , pooka dots, my door, ryan from the bus, rice krispy treats, kool-aid, rain,play-dough, soap, shopping, music, movies, other stuff
Dislike: Hawaii and people who dont shower and hilary duff